How to not lose time on the wrong ones when dating

Wohooo, this is one piece of advice, that I wanted to write ever since. And in some way, I did, but today, I want to get it down clear and straightforward for you, so you are able to save troubles and your energy for getting yourself closer to your dream instead of sitting in your nightmare.

Sounds overexaggerated? Well, let’s see. Or have you never been on dates with people that seemed to be the perfect fit: interests, likes, thoughts, all seemed to match magically. But then after just a little while, some things seemed to feel a bit weird. And even though you tried to address them to your future partner, they neglected them to be true. It was little things at the beginning like they tell you they love talking stuff out, but then turns out when something really happens, they don’t do so much. Or they tell you about their jealous ex, but then turn out to be the expression of jealousy themselves. Or maybe you have used one or two such things yourself? This might only seem to be little things, unimportant stuff – but in fact, it is very important as it leaves your partner with doubts. About themselves, about their partner, and about staying in the relationship. 

Don’t get me wrong. These might be very nice and kind people with good hearts – they are just being insecure about themselves, thinking they are not good enough the way they are. Thinking they are not worthy of being loved. And this is why the dating industry, or let me be precise – the dating advice industry is booming. But instead of teaching how to overcome these insecurities, they come along with precise tips. Like – after the first date, do not message them for 3 days. Ahmm – why? If I like you, I am happy to hear from you right away, if I don’t, I don’t care if you don’t write to me for the next 8 years. And if I am unsure if I like you… well let’s say it out clear: then, if I am in my teens, that might work. But it will work the same way if you message me and don’t put pressure on me, like make me decide if I wish to continue immediately. (and this is what happens normally with insecure people, they start to need confirmation of love. That’s when it starts to lose the freedom of choice. 

So what to do about it? Before you enter a new relationship, make sure that you are ok with who you are. Make sure that you are not depending on the opinion of the significant other, make sure they love you for who you are, not for what who you want to be in the future. There is evolvement, and room for improvement. But if you are broke, why pretend you are a millionaire? For how long do you think you can keep that up? Even though it is understandable: you want to be “perfect”, the right fit. And this is the point: if you are not the right fit the way you are, you are just not a fit for that one particular person. Because staying with that person means being something that you are not. And that is the point where you lose the most important relationship in your life: the one with yourself, and you start to think about what could or should be the right behavior to make the other one happy and keep them in your life. Can you see where you lost yourself in that game?

So let’s sum it up: dating is about being you. It is about being authentic. You are not perfect, your partner is not. And – what a relief – it is not about being perfect. And this might be new to some: it is not even about finding this and that in the significant other, it is about feeling a particular way in their presence. It is about enjoying being together. It is about wanting to be with them again. It is about being yourself and being appreciated for just being you. Let’s get it down in one sentence: it is about how you feel. If you feel good, then it is something you want to continue. And for these good feelings to last, there needs to be authenticity, you need to be you. 

In other words: you do not feel good if you cannot be you and enjoy yourself in the process. So the best and only advice I can hand you over is: whoever you are, it is enough. No, it will not be a fit for everyone, but when you get that fit, it will be amazing, no matter how long it lasts.

#beyou #youareenough #loveyourself #loveofyourlife #love