What happens to your relationships if you finally get to overcome your fears?

I have been a single- and relationship coach for almost all my working life. But that does not mean I never had any troubles when it came to relationships, it means basically the opposite. Because where we struggle the most is normally where we want to learn the most. Especially if it is an important topic like relationship.

Ever since I started the journey of really dealing with my innermost fears, I had one question that never got answered: what happens to the relationships if I finally get to overcome my fears and whatever was holding me back? And if you are like me on your way, I believe this question has crossed your mind just as it crossed mine. Unfortunately, I never found an answer to my question until I found it within.

A little disclaimer: I have no idea if I overcame each and every single one of my fears, I guess no one can ever be sure. In fact, growth comes in stages. Once you think: “Now I’ve overcome everything”, something new tends to show up. Or the same thing, it just doesn’t hurt that much anymore, and you have more skills to deal with it. It is like pealing an onion, layer after layer. So knowing this, it feels wrong to say “I know it all”, because maybe at some point, another layer will show and wait for me to deal with it. But I can say: I am at a good place to deal with these situations, from where I feel comfortable sharing my experiences with you. And I believe you can get inspired.

To answer one of the burning questions first: Whatever situation you were dealing with in your relation- or situationships – will these challenges magically disappear forever once you overcome your fears and heal? Unfortunately, not immediately. Imagine it like this: if you put on too much weight in the past, once you started a diet, and completed the first two days successfully, eventually you still see too much weight on your body. And you need to go all the way down and learn about a healthy way of nutrition and movement to get sustainable results. And this is basically how it works in your relationships, too. You have created and been in your situation over a long period of time. That means that not only your brain, but every single cell in your body has experienced you living with this particular fear. You have literally put on emotional weight over all that time. Once you got rid of the root problem, you will not add any weight to it anymore, but you have to get rid of what was already created. And that takes a little time. So how does that show in your life?

You might still meet the same situations, but eventually you will not engage in the same kind of drama. Having healed and overcoming your fears will enable you to not even be attracted to the same kind of situations anymore. Once the red flags show, your healthy self-love and self-respect will create a distance between you and the person in question, and the attraction dissolves. Let me give you an example, so you really understand me:

One thing I had to deal with in my life was self-worth and self-love. As a result, I faced people who mirrored exactly this to me by treating me in a way that wasn’t right. Men coming into my life not really committing, but also unable to let go. Keeping me at a distance, but at the same time pulling me a little close, which gave me hope, just so I wasn’t able to, or didn’t want to leave. But never enough to be happy. This happened because I didn’t yet deal with my innermost fears: the fear of not being good enough, and the fear of losing love. Once I started to work on these fears, I became aware that it wasn’t them treating me this way, it was me ALLOWING IT to happen. And the healing was a step by step process, which showed me where I was standing: At first, I only had awareness, which enabled me to stop the process and say no, but there was nothing gentle in me when I did it. As a next step, I learned to deal with it in a gentler way, allowing space for the other person. Only as a last step did I find a way to include understanding and love.

Now, sometimes I still meet these kind of people, and that is okay. Because unlike before, I have multiple ways of dealing with the situation. I prefer open communication over just sneaking out of the situation, because it allows the other person to respond. And however they respond, it will be fine. The change happened inside of me. No matter the result, what I feel the most within is that I want to spread my love, I want to love people. And me loving them is not a question of them loving me back, it is a question of me allowing them to be happy, however they chose this happiness to look like. Some will want me in their life, some won’t, and both is perfectly fine. And this is where the incredible beauty is to be found: I know that whatever mixed signals they might give, it is all about them. And instead of feeling small or insignificant, not enough or sad, I am able to look at them gently and with compassion. And wish them healing while I continue my way.

With love for all of you out there in the world, who suffer from any heart pain. It all begins with you. Let your journey start now.