Why I didn’t like myself on pictures

Or – how self-doubts make one feel like living in hell

I cannot believe I am writing this article. This is a very well guarded secret, and I believe many of you have the same secret. Which is enough reason for me to go ahead.

Here is the truth: I have been growing up in a world where beauty was very important. I am not talking about inner beauty, but the beauty on the outside. Being the right size for clothes, tucking the belly in when walking, not eating so much. I have been set on a diet by the age of six because I probably wasn’t the right size. And if that didn’t happen, if no one had told me, I probably would have never known about sizes and right and wrong looks. Because I felt perfectly fine, just the way I was, in fact, I never questioned it.

But as they told me, and so I knew. And therefore, I tried everything to fit in. I followed the diets, I starved myself. I did sports, overly exceeded it. And I thought it had to be that way. As a child, that is what you do. And I think that will not change as a teenager: the will to fit in is a game changer to the negative. If you like myself learned that fitting in is desirable. Basically, my whole life as a young woman, I tried my best to fit in, especially on my outside, switching from chubby to skinny back and forth, depending on which part of me was winning at that time.

But what happened inside of me so all was possible? It’s simple: Sometimes the will to fit in was strong, and I hit the diet hard. I focused on sports, pushed myself over the limits. And reached my goal. I wasn’t gentle with myself, no one told me that that was important. And after the next social disaster, the will to fit in dissolved, and I got back to “I don’t care”.

What I didn’t know by then was, that it wasn’t them who treated me wrong, it was myself. I didn’t understand that I was seeking love from the wrong people, and the wrong way. I didn’t understand that accepting myself just the way I am and following my heart, my own feelings and wellbeing will define how I look. And being gentle with myself will make me happier than fitting in. And not knowing these basic things of life created the massive struggles I found myself in.

The funniest thing is: Thinking back of the time when I was a little bit chubby, I completely refused to be on pictures. If I couldn’t, I was deeply worried about how I looked. And I didn’t even have one wrinkle by then. And also in my skinny times, I tried to avoid photos, even though I sometimes worked as a model. I wasn’t even confident enough to like my professional pictures. Now, looking at these pictures, I wish I had appreciated myself more. But I can make it up.

What changed: I changed. I worked on my self confidence. I love myself for who I am. I learned that it is more important that I am happy. I learned that it is about listening to my body and soul. Being gentle with myself. It wasn’t easy to overcome these eating disorders, especially because their roots were deeply anchored in my darkest place, connected to fears I did not want to face. But I faced them eventually. And learned to heal them.

And as a funny fact, body weight has a potential to fall into place when there is acceptance. So when I look at my pictures now, I look at different things. Yeah, I got older, so I have some wrinkles. But I have an amazing radiance, I am present and I look happy. Isn’t that beautiful? Isn’t that happiness more important than a wrinkle here, or a little bit of chubbiness there?

It is never too late to learn to be the true you. When I write this, I think about all these “outsiders” even television talks about: Steve Urkle, The Big Bang Theory, Mr. Monk, MacGyver, Harry Potter, just to name a few. In not fitting in, there is a huge potential for you: that you will find your true potential and your purpose. Go seek this instead of mediocrity. The world needs you, just like you are. And your friends will find you. And love you.

I would like to invite you to a little challenge, which I am taking, since I want to discover all the possibilities of my iPhone Camera: take the weirdest pictures of yourself as selfies, and never miss a moment to have fun while doing this. And this is what you share with the world. Be proud of yourself, because you can. You are happy, you are radiant. And you are self-confident. Because you shine through your inner beauty.

For a quick read on happiness, click here.

If you want to read more on how getting rid of fears and doubts will impact your life, read here.